Something I hear way too often.
“You’re too hard on yourself.”
I first heard this from my 6th-grade soccer coach. I’m sure he didn’t mean any harm by it, and I don’t know the context he was talking about, but he was right. I have heard this from not only my coach but many more people. Just today, it was my mom.
I was getting really hard on myself for getting two parking tickets (with heavy fines), and she told me that I was way too hard on myself. And she’s right.
Naturally, if something goes wrong, it’s easy for me to think that it’s my fault. So I get hard on myself and vow that this said-thing will not happen again. Even though every time I vow for perfection, I always seem to mess up.
And I don’t think this is the right way to live. In fact, it’s not fair to ourselves.
This past year has shown me more of a glimpse of my imperfection. I do the things I said I wouldn’t do, and I make commitments I can’t keep. I freeze under pressure. Just a couple of days ago, I yelled at the parking-ticket-man as he is speeding away from me. I leave the brussels sprouts too long in the oven. I fail exams. All of which reminds me of my ability to miss the mark.
For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.
Romans 7:18
I’ve always wanted to be perfect at everything I do, but can never quite achieve it.
And when I fall from perfection, I normally beat myself up about it, falling into shame and self-pity. For the last 21 years, this method has not worked out too hot.
Now, I’m going to try a different route after I fall from my standard of perfection.
When I had this conversation with my mom, she told me that I needed to give myself grace. I rolled my eyes at first, but then I really thought about it. And giving grace to myself sounded a lot sweeter than shunning myself and trying to never make a mistake again.
We have two options.
When we make mistakes, we can either get really hard on ourselves and make it worse. OR, we can lean into grace.
Giving myself grace doesn’t come easy for me. I expect perfection, and I believe that God and everyone else expects it too. But truth is, God never asked me to be perfect. He asks two things of me. One, to love Him. The other is to love people. The Bible never says, oh yeah, and be perfect. Praise the Lord that this is not a requirement in life.
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
Matthew 22:36-40
I’m not saying that we should live careless lives. In fact, I think it’s wonderful when we try to do things well. But we will eventually mess up. And this is where things go wrong – when we blame ourselves for being the very nature of imperfect.
How do we give ourselves grace?
Here are a few ways we can give ourselves grace when we fall short:
- Say nice things to ourselves
- Remind ourselves that God loves us for who we are, not what we do
- Try to learn from our mistake
- Light a nice candle
- Take a recklessly long shower
- Put on your favorite playlist
- Write about how you feel
- Turn your eyes to Jesus, the one who loves you and forgives you and does not expect perfection from you.
In these times, we can trust that the world is not going to crash and burn if we fall short. We are not powerful enough to mess up God’s plan for our lives.
Today, my friend was talking about how she’s working on not cleaning her room all the time, and that sometimes you just need to “sit in the mess.”
I think it’s time we started sitting in our own messes. We can fall short and also lean into grace at the same time, just as we can enjoy ourselves in a messy room.
Instead of expecting perfection, we can try our best. And we can know behind a shadow of a doubt that our best is good enough.
