Singleness isn’t always a bad thing.
Valentines Day is coming up, and this means that singles are starting to question every little thing about their lives. No, I am not going to blog about Valentine’s Day outfits or gift ideas, even though this information is important. Instead, I am going to focus on how to make singleness more bearable, and maybe even enjoyable, in this Valentines season.
For the past four years of my life, I have been in a relationship. But just 3 months ago, my boyfriend and I broke up, and I felt like I was tossed in a foreign country without knowing the language. I had no idea how to be single.
I realized that singleness is not just a relationship status, but almost a lifestyle. It’s a mindset. It’s an experience that will either make you better or take you and all your security down with it. And the best way to learn is the hard way, and wow, did I learn the hard way. Singleness opened up wounds that my relationship covered up.
Honestly, I am not going to sit here and tell you everything I was annoyed hearing in healing from my breakup. Here are a few examples:
“You need to learn how to be alone!” “Ashley, you are too early to be thinking about marriage, just need to have fun and date around!” “You need to stop putting your worth in guys!”
Yep, I am not going to tell you these things, because they secretly only made me feel worse. Hearing this felt like being locked in a corner, where I only felt worse about my tendencies, and I wasn’t getting to the root of the issue.
Let me just say that if you ever tell someone not to do something, they most likely will do it again. Instead, if you offer an alternative as something they can do to counteract the not doing something else, we are off to a much better start. My hope is to do the same with you because I know how important it is to be encouraged in this season.
Here’s what doesn’t make singleness better:
(Mind you, this is all from personal experience.)
1. Believing that you will end up alone with 8 cats
This is the easiest trap to fall into. And it is the one trap that I have fallen into the most.
Yes, it is cliche, believing that now that one relationship didn’t work out, or you’ve been single for x amount of years, then you are destined to be future cat lady.
But I believe it is okay, and healthy, to hope for a good relationship. It is not wrong or sinful to pray and hope for something beautiful. Many would believe that we are supposed to be content without a man, and I do believe this. But I don’t believe that we should never hope for a wonderful, God-centered relationship. Hope is good for the soul.
Just because you are single now, does not mean you will be single forever. And hoping for something wonderful is not a bad thing. You have no idea the goodness that God has for you.
2. Comparing your single life to someone’s relationship life
The more we look at others lives, the less we are seeing the good things God is doing in our own lives. We are ignoring the wonderful things he is providing us in this season.
There will always be something you don’t have that someone else has. Always. And when you do get in that healthy relationship, you will just compare other things that your friends have that you don’t have.
Tip: Take a breather from social media in V-day season
For this, I encourage you to take a slight step away from social media in the month of February. All the chocolates, roses and happy couples will certainly not help you feel better. The month of March will be much better for social media, ie St Patty’s Day and Spring, so take this month as a quick break.
3. Looking for attention from guys in bars
This is one I feel most guilty admitting to, but what kind of writer would I be if I wasn’t honest about my own shortcomings? After all, sometimes the best learning lessons come from the biggest learning curves.
When you are in a relationship, you don’t feel the need to go out that often. You have your boo, so all is well. But once you are single, you feel this inclination to go out at every opportunity you have. Some may do this in hopes to talk to a cute boy to feel better, or to just get out of the house and away from the couples that are cuddling and watching their favorite TV shows together.
You get to
Humans were never meant to fill the emptiness
Humans will never be able to fill the big, empty space in our hearts. No matter how hot the human, caring, nice, charming, or what fraternity he is in.
Even the love of your life, which I hope you meet one day, won’t be able to fulfill the essence of your being. A human will never fulfill you in singleness, and a human will never fulfill you even in a healthy, God-centered marriage. Which is a bummer, because it would be much easier if that was the case.
Isaiah 40: 7-8 says this:
“All people are like grass,
Isaiah 40: 7-8
and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
7The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the Lord blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God endures forever.”
People aren’t enough to fulfill us, either in singleness or even in a healthy marriage
We all fall short, and this is why we cannot put our complete hope in others to meet all our needs and security. Once we do, we are in for such disappointment, because sometimes people can suck. I fail people, you fail people, we are only human.
But once we fully understand that humans won’t be able to fulfill us completely the way that God can, I think that’s when we can experience true freedom in singleness.
Here’s what makes singleness less sucky:
1. Focusing on where the flashlight is
The mystery of life can be compared to walking on a path on a dark night. We can’t see the whole path, but with the help of a flashlight, we are led to the next step. And eventually, with each step, we get to where we are supposed to go.
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.
Psalm 119:105
If you are single, the flashlight of your life is not pointing to a relationship. I don’t care if you say you are ready for one, if a relationship has not presented itself, then the flashlight is not pointed toward love in this season of your life.
And when you focus on something you’re not supposed to focus on, it’s easy to miss what good thing God has right in front of you, what he wants you to invest in.
If you want to know where the flashlight is, reflect on which area of your life is being blessed. Which area is blossoming, where doors are opening, where the puzzle pieces are aligning.
For me, my flashlight is pointing toward cultivating the amazing friendships God has given me, building a fruitful community of Greek women at my school, and writing encouraging words for women through this blog. These are the areas of my life that are being blessed.
Guard what God has entrusted to you.
1 Timothy 6:20
It is our duty in life to guard the good gifts he’s given us, in the season he’s given them.
Maybe one day, you’ll be entrusted with a wonderful relationship. But for now, focus on the good, the things that you already have, that you dreamed of having long ago. And I promise you will see wonderful, wonderful fruit. If you are faithful with little, you can be faithful with more.
2. Trust He will keep His promise
After I got out of my relationship, I was wondered about the verse “He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4)
A mentor then told me that the Lord will give you the desires of your heart. And if he doesn’t want something for you, he will tell you why and then take the desire away.
She told me to bring these desires to
And friend, if after you pray that prayer and you still have that desire, I can assure you that he will keep his promise.
Let us hold on firmly to the hope we profess, because we can trust God to keep his promise.
Hebrews 10:23 Good News Translation
We need to trust that in God’s way in timing, he will make good out of any pain, heartbreak, or loneliness we are feeling. When we ask him to restore it, he will lift us up into his care, and he will provide. And that, my friend, is a promise.
