Because not everyone will like you.
“I think there might be somebody else better out there for me.”
“Maybe we can just be friends.”
“You’re really nice, but I’m not really looking for anything right now.”
These are all lovely examples of how I’ve been rejected. What great memories to look back on.
Within the past couple of months, my boyfriend and I of four years broke up. I knew it would cause grief, but I never expected it to hurt my self-confidence.
Before the breakup, I can honestly say I was a very confident person. I was pretty content with my appearance and personality. Looking back on it, I think this had more to do with having a boyfriend who would constantly affirm me. I took in what he said, and believed it must have been true. Cue good self-confidence.
When we broke up, I didn’t expect my confidence to shatter along with the relationship. With the breakup came the silence, the deafening silence of no one telling me how cute or special or funny I was anymore. I felt weird with that silence, and it left me looking in the mirror and questioning if I measured up.
Dealing with the silence.
The silence grew when I’d be with a couple of guys and they’d pay attention to my friend rather than me. It grew when a guy told me he just wanted to be friends. And it certainly grew more when I heard my ex tell me that he didn’t think I was the best one for him.
Rejection hit me like a ton of bricks.
And I didn’t know what to do with this feeling, this silence, this huge space that I had with myself. I didn’t know who I was without someone telling me who I was. Who are we when no one is telling us who we are?
So, I got bangs. Thinking this would revamp my whole self-confidence. I was left feeling like a Zooey Deschanel knock-off, cowlick style.
Searching for this lost confidence in bangs didn’t help, and it certainly didn’t help when I tried to find it at the bars with guys that knew nothing about me. It also didn’t help thinking that maybe if I got a nose job, I would feel better (can we all just agree that we have all had this thought?)
Outside validation didn’t work.
It’s not like anyone ran up to me and starting screaming insults at me. It was the fact that no one said anything that made me believe the worst.
I felt I needed praise to believe that I was worth it. But I soon realized that this outlet for confidence was not very promising, and it didn’t work consistently, because people are not very reliable. Anytime we place our self-worth in the hands of a person we are going to be left feeling disappointed.
Your parents will let you down. Your friends may say something that offends you. And not every boy on earth is going to think you are worth it.
I had to learn the hard way, which is the best way to learn, in my opinion. I needed to know that I can’t judge myself based on how others see me, especially cute boys (can I get an amen?!)
Searching for this confidence could not come from other people. Instead, it was going to have to come from me. And if not me, from the One who thought I would be a good idea in the first place.
As Hailee Steinfield would say, in her wise words,
“Gonna love myself, no, I don’t need anybody else
(Hey)
Gonna love myself, no, I don’t need anybody else
(I love me)” (Hailee Steinfield, “Love Myself”)
We gotta love ourselves first.
Going off of Hailee’s words, I needed to believe that I was good enough before anyone else told me that. This is so cliche of me to say, because everyone says that if we believe we are beautiful, then we will feel that way. This is much more difficult when we are going through heartbreak.
But the very moment I struggle is exactly where God can come in. “For when I am weak, then He is strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-11)
When I can’t believe it myself, the only thing I can do is look to a God who sees my worth for me. He can be the one to fill that space when I really don’t have the capacity to see much. He’s the one who has copyrighted both you and me, being His creation and all, so he is the best source to go to for our worth.
The one place we can find our worth that won’t go away.
When we look to other people for our security, we will be left in disappointment. But when we look to Jesus, we can find the security and worth our souls are looking for.
And this isn’t all about believing that you’re beautiful. It’s also owning your weird quirks, too. What makes you, you. It’s owning your introversion, or maybe your love for McDonald’s. And especially owning your weird humor. All of your quirks are God’s design for you.
For me, I have to be okay with who I am. I have to accept that I will always be someone who asks questions, and that’s a good thing. And that maybe I am not the best cook, or good with directions. And yes, science comes hard for me. But I also have great music taste. And I have a knack for sensing when someone needs love. I also can make myself laugh, even if I don’t make people around me laugh, which is a great trait if I do say so myself.
The more I see my traits as a good thing, the more confident I feel. What we feed grows.
So now, when I get rejected, I see it as less of a blow to my self-esteem, and more of a testament to who God wants in my life. I know that if someone doesn’t like me, it has more to do with them not being in God’s plan for my life than anything else.
Here’s the truth: the right guy will like you, and if he doesn’t like you, he’s not the right guy. God will give you affirmation with the right people, and if this dude left you, he was not who God had in mind for you.
So how do we get to this newfound confidence that we lose from a breakup?
Building your confidence after a breakup takes time and patience with yourself. And it also takes being kind to yourself. We can wear what makes us feel cute, so for me, that’s hair scarves (the best trend IMO). And we can laugh at ourselves when we do funny things. We can look at ourselves in the mirror before we go out and think Damn, I look good.
Regarding future husbands, I don’t know who mine is yet. But for now, I am going to focus on learning who God created me to be, and stepping into the best version of myself. I am going to love myself, either if I’m looking in the mirror with baggy eyes and scruffy bangs, or when I am jamming out to one of my favorite songs that most of the population does not know. I am owning who God created me to be.
And maybe if the one comes along, I won’t even notice, because I’ll be so focused on looking up. Looking up to God’s affirmation instead of searching in front of me for affirmation from people. Looking up to a plan that is best for me, a path that is just for me to walk on.
Maybe that’s when the magic happens, when you’re not looking for the magic. You’re looking for the One behind the magic, the One who knows your love story, the One who created you in the first place.
Until then, I will have myself and God. And that will be enough.
