Because loneliness might be the worst feeling in the world.

Summer is not always sunshine and daisies.

You go from being surrounded by people 24/7 to silence. To quiet.

I have experienced this first-hand. I lived in the same room with three other human beings for the last 8 months. And you might think, oh my gosh. How did she survive. But you know what? I loved it. Seriously loved it. I loved always having someone to talk to, knowing I had someone to tell that funny story to, knowing that even if we weren’t talking, someone was there. 

And this was very comforting for me. Even though sometimes, yes, I did need my space and alone time. But I didn’t need it often. I realize that I get serious energy from people (extroverts, where you at), and that people just make me happy. Hearing about their stories, being around other emotions, it’s great. I am all for it.

But then summer hit.

And my parents are mostly crazy busy with their jobs during this season, and so they weren’t home a lot. And I felt, lonely. It’s hard for me to admit this because part of me wants you to think that everything is great in my life. But I know that I need to be vulnerable with you, because life ain’t perfect. It would be a waste of your time if you didn’t know about my struggles too.

So not only was I physically alone, I started to feel alone. This is when I realized that aloneness and loneliness are two completely different things.

I would go throughout my day and not have someone there to tell a story to. Or to hear a funny story from. It would be just quiet. And I was not a happy camper, friends.

But I have found something – when we get really really really upset about something, I think it shows that we have idolized it at one point or another.

Because I was so distraught at being alone, it showed that I partly idolized being with people. I subconsciously believed that because I so loved being with others, I could only feel love with others.

It was in this space of loneliness that God wanted to show me that I could be alone. To strip the fear that I always needed to be with people to feel joy and peace. That I didn’t always have to be with people, and that I could actually enjoy being by myself.

And wow oh wow. Was that a learning curve.

Loneliness tells us that we are alone, that no one understands, that no one will ever love us. That we messed up somehow and turned everyone away from us. Loneliness leads to self-pity, which eventually leads to selfishness.

But aloneness tells us that while we are by ourselves, we are never truly alone. It allows for a space of solitude. It allows time to reflect, to navigate your feelings, and to spend time with God.

A couple months ago, one of my best friends told me in the most loving way possible that I should practice solitude. I think she could tell that I found my identity in others before I realized that myself (it’s funny how that happens). I found my identity in being a good friend to others, being liked by others, and being seen by others (whether that be the ‘gram or at a social outing). I found my identity in approval and affirmation.

When she told me to look into solitude, I didn’t take it that seriously.

But now I’m learning that solitude is actually healthy.

Here’s the thing: I think we’ve gotten very caught up in this idea that we need community. But I’ve learned that we do not need community as much as we need God. We can survive without people. And this truth has literally rocked my world.

I felt that because I was an extrovert, I could only be happy around others. But this is a lie I’ve been believing for so many years.

It was in the tears and loneliness that God swept in and quietly nudged me: Ashley, you are not alone. I am always with you. 

I am so grateful to learn these things. It hurts like hell, but it is necessary. I am being molded and shaped into the person I am meant to be. And I feel so grateful that God loves me enough to strip yucky things from my identity.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. He will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

I don’t know what this summer is like for you. You might have plans every night and feel so full of all the community around you, and if that’s the case, amazing! That is exactly where you’re meant to be and what a joy the gift of friendship is.

But if on the contrary you are alone a lot, this can be a great time for growth. And after all, you don’t grow when you are comfortable.

So if you are feeling loneliness, there are definitely some steps of action that can be taken. Here are some practical ways you can heal from loneliness this summer.

1. Spend time with God

So first and foremost, I’d encourage you to just sit and be like “okay God. What the heck are you doing.” And tell him everything you would want to tell a friend. Tell him you are lonely, that you wish things were different, that you feel unlovable. Tell him everything you are believing, all the lies that are consuming you. Even tell him the funny story that happened that day, everything you need to get out on the surface.

And then listen. You might be surprised by what you hear.

He might be trying to strip away some idol like he was with me, or he might be trying to prepare you for a new season of life. Either way, there is such an overwhelming sense of peace when we go to God in times of sadness and isolation. And through this solitude, you will grow into the person you were always meant to be. The person he has destined you to be.

2. Read

Yes, you might not be a reader. And that’s okay. But I would say that while it’s great to spend time with God, it’s good to plan things for yourself to do. It’s in boredom where loneliness preys the most.

Reading can open your heart and ears to stories that will teach you new things. It can also give you words of encouragement during this time. If you don’t know which book to read, I wrote a helpful list of books that could inspire you over the summer.

 3. Set goals and get after ’em

Like I said, it’s crucial that you do make plans so you don’t go cray cray. What are some things that you have ALWAYS wanted to do, but never had the time for? This is the time. It could be one day or day one, it’s up to you.

4. Tell yourself good things.

Friend, you are not alone. You are lovable. You are enough. And no, you did not push away all the people in your life. This is just a time of solitude, aloneness for you to re-center. And for God to make space in your life for his presence, because it’s all we need at the end of the day.

You are not how you feel.

I believe our feelings can lead us to truth, but they are not the truth. My feelings in times of loneliness tell me that I’m pushing people away, that I am not enough, or that I did something wrong. But these are all lies.

I encourage you to start, today, by living in truth. That you are fully known and fully loved, no matter what the circumstances are.

Of course, I still struggle with being alone. But each day it is getting easier. Each day the silence isn’t so bad, and I am actually enjoying this intimate time with God. I never thought I would say that, but what a time of freedom that is for me.  And I want that freedom for you, too.

And it’s in that sweet space where the quiet isn’t so quiet anymore, where you can feel a love like no other. The loneliness fades, and the embrace begins.